Inner Parts and Self-Discovery through IFS
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Jo Green: [00:00:00] Anxiety is an emotion that every single person on this planet experiences, and I think the more we label and pathologize it, we are doing it a real disservice. We need to understand why it's showing up. Anxiety tends to be more of a manager part. It kind of comes in trying to stop you from doing things that it doesn't want it to do.
You know, when we avoid. When we feel anxious, immediately we feel better. Right? What we're actually doing in that moment is we are training our mind to be more anxious next time. 'cause if we avoided it, then it must be scary, right?
So if we don't do something, if we avoid the next time we come to try and do it, it's gonna be even harder. So it we're actually training our mind to be more and more scared of something and make it less likely that we are gonna go towards it.
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Speaker: Welcome back to the Wild and Wild Collective. Today's guest is the beautiful Joe Green. She is a master coach IFS practitioner. You'll soon learn what that means and a clinical hypnotherapist who helps people reconnect with their inner wisdom and live with more self trust. Ease and freedom. Her work is grounded in internal family systems, which again, is not probably what you're thinking it is.
It's guiding others to meet and integrate the different parts of themselves with compassion and curiosity so they can shed what they no longer feel belongs and come home to who they truly are. Both Kristen and I were really touched with this conversation and we cannot wait for you to listen.
Sheree Beaumont: She is a dear friend of mine as well as a beautiful leader in the wellness space. I'm really excited for today's conversation because we've talked about inner work. We have talked about mindset, but there's something really different that Joe brings to the table in terms [00:02:00] of how she works with clients and how she looks at the different parts of ourselves and the parts that we can work with.
So. I am really excited, Joe, for you to be here. Thank you so much.
Jo Green: Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here too. Yay.
Sheree Beaumont: I am wondering if you can tell us a little bit about yourself and actually how you got into this work. I know one of the key things we are gonna focus on is something called IFS or Internal Family Systems.
And so if you can give us a little bit of a background on what on Earth that really means and kind of what, what led you down this path?
Jo Green: Well, as it is with probably a lot of people in this space, it was my own experiences in life that kind of led me into what I'm doing now. I got to a point probably about 10 years ago where.
Anxiety was my close and personal friend. I got, you know, woke up in the morning, didn't wanna get outta bed, and went on a bit of a journey, basically self exploratory. I was always coaching in my, I was customer experience manager, so coaching was always part of my what I [00:03:00] did and something I was really passionate about.
And I wanted to do more of that because in the workplace it was more like, that's not important, we need to get the work done. Whereas I knew that that was the most important thing. So kind of went on a journey, did some more training with coaching. Did some clinical hypnotherapy, which I now teach as well.
And then I discovered this thing called Internal Family Systems probably about four years ago now. And. It just made so much sense. It talks to the fact that we are all born with all these different parts of us. And we use that terminology ourselves, right? You know, a part of me wants to do this, but a part of me really wants to do that.
That's what we call polarizing parts. But the IFS basically says that we are born with all these parts. They all have inherently good intentions for us. And as we go through life and experience pain, experience trauma, whether that be just something somebody says to us or something much bigger those parts go into a much more extreme protective roles.
And so they are looking to protect us. [00:04:00] So there are no bad parts. There are all have an intent, a positive intention. However, a lot of them are working to protect us as if we're still like maybe like three or four or five or six because there's been sort of no update in the system. Underneath all that, we also have what is called Self with a capital S.
Now self is it's eight qualities, the eight Cs of self. So you've got curiosity, calm, compassion, creativity, connectedness, clarity, confidence. And I can remember like, oh, courage and courage. So these are sort of the qualities of self that when we are in, and for me, curiosity underpins. Everything. I think you probably know yourself when you're working with people often, it's very, very judgmental of themselves.
And when we can switch that to curiosity, there's some learning and some growth there. So the idea of IFS is that we trying to get back to being led by self as opposed to being led by parts. And so I work [00:05:00] with clients in so many different formats like one-on-one, but also leadership. If you imagine somebody who's leading a company, a lot of people end up leading from parts, you know, they're leading from fear or we've gotta hit this target.
Or people aren't doing, they're trying to control and it's because they haven't looked inwards. They can't, they're not leading themselves. So it's that reconnection to self or no matter what level. They're working at. So that's kind of like a sum, it's like Gabbo Matte says trauma isn't what happens to you, it's what happens inside of you when something happens.
So, 'cause I know trauma can be a bit of a triggering word, but I think that trauma could literally be somebody saying something to you when you were little and. Compartmentalize that part of you and then exile them. So that's the part when we talk about parts in IFS, we have protected parts, which are like managers that can be really helpful, that are doing things to keep you going, to get stuff done.
But then we can also have parts that are firefighters. So when you get [00:06:00] triggered, they're really reactionary. And then we have the exiles, which are parts of us that have been exiled, stuffed away. Not to be dealt with again. And so the protectors are doing everything they can to stop the exile from coming out, from flooding your system with the emotion that they hold.
So that's kind of it in a nut case.
Christa Elza: Yeah. In nut case. Yeah. I have studied some of this. I've read the book is it Albert Schwartz that has no bad parts? His book?
Jo Green: Well, yeah.
Christa Elza: No bad parts. No bad parts. Yeah. Really powerful book. I think that you need to be ready for understanding this. I think at first off, it could sound very like, what are you talking about?
But the way we all, if you really think about it, we do. We have the parts. It's like, oh, I should do this. Oh, but I'm scared to do it, but I should do it, but I'm scared to do it. And that's kind of like high level, like we all can relate to that. Right. I think where people kind of get confused or not confused, but like have to open up to the idea or be educated about [00:07:00] the idea is like what part of me is driving who I have become?
Why do I tend to be really timid when I walk into rooms? Why do I say angry at situations? Why do I always hold myself back from. Something that I think I really want, but then the one that says, no, don't do that, always wins. It's getting in tune right with those other parts and actually having sit down conversations with those parts.
And I think that's where a lot of people, I would say most people are not sitting down and actually having conversations and seeing the differentiation between this part of you and this part of you. And this is a really powerful, I'm not trained in as intensely as you are, but I use this with my patients because people who come in with longstanding anxiety, longstanding depression often have a pretty decent history of some kind of traumatic events growing up.
Well, we all [00:08:00] have trauma on some level. I mean, someone talks bad about you in middle school and there's trauma. So we all have trauma, different levels and different layers. But it definitely stands out to me as a powerful, powerful tool for people to understand that they get to really be a proactive participant with these different versions of themselves, right.
Jo Green: Yeah, very much. And I think you're right. I think sometimes it can be very confronting almost as well. Some clients aren't ready to, like, if I say to them, if I start to introduce the concept of parts, obviously I do it very gently. 'cause sometimes people can see it as maybe invalidating, you know, I'm invalidating by saying it's a part of you.
I'm saying it's not important. That's absolutely not the case. So sometimes it's a gradual introduction. Like I know I'm talking to a part of them and so I'm kind of talking to that part. And then we would then go a little bit, then I start to build this, what we call the self depart relationship because all those [00:09:00] parts.
As you say, when you come to like sit down with them, people are like, well, what do I do? I feel a bit mad. I'm having a conversation with myself. Right. So for me, one of the most important things is starting to introduce this gently. One of the things I always do, I work a lot with people that have had anxiety for a long time.
And for me it's about even just introducing that con, that a part of me is feeling anxious, right? Because what that does in that moment is it creates a bit of space between them and that feeling. It's suddenly not so completely overwhelming if you say, saying things like, oh my God, I'm so, I just feel so anxious.
It feels completely consuming. Whereas if a part of me feels anxious, I can maybe hold space for that part. To start with, that might feel a bit challenging, but nearly everyone, as soon as I give them that language, they're like, oh, oh, that creates a bit of space for me. It doesn't feel quite so overwhelming, and then we [00:10:00] build it from there.
My goal is always to get to a point where the client can have those conversations themselves, because. Whilst IFS is an amazing psychotherapeutic model that can heal loads of trauma and loads of things that have been going on all those parts. It's also for me, a really great paradigm for life and how we live.
To be curious about, oh, well, why, to your point Krista, why am I not doing that thing that I really wanna do? What's going on there? What part of me is holding back? What does that part want me to know? What's that part scared of? What does that part need right now? And so it becomes this regular practice.
One of the things I do when I'm working with anyone in a leadership role is get that first morning check in before they even show up. Like, how are I feeling right now? What part's the present right now? Okay. There's a part that's feeling really quite overwhelmed with everything I've got going on.
Okay. I need to sit with that part of me. And to your part there about the part, why is that? Anger always staying around [00:11:00] anger seems to be an emotion that many people have a really unhealthy relationship with because often when we're little, anger is not okay. That was very much the case for me. I had a beautiful childhood and yet I was always told if I was angry.
No, that's wrong, that's bad. And so that's where we com compartmentalize it. I was having, literally the past week, I've had a few conversations with people that are like, oh my God, I hate being angry. I hate it. And when we dig into it, it doesn't feel safe to be angry because it's fear that somebody's gonna reject them or to in fact, one beautiful client.
There was this very anxious attachment style, repeating patterns over and over again. Huge fear of being abandoned. And actually when we looked at it, what she realized is that she was abandoning her part. She was abandoning herself in order to try and hold onto somebody else. So for me, everything starts with you.
Everything. [00:12:00] And this IFS model, it's very human. It's it allows you to to listen rather than to need to fix.
Sheree Beaumont: It's all resonating so deeply and I think, you know, when you have dabbled into any level of personal development work, you start to understand whether you've been taught the inner a child model and the higher self, or looking at these parts of ourselves.
I, I made a few notes as we were going through because there were so many beautiful key points that you brought up, and to go back to that, what you mentioned around anxiety, I think is really powerful. And I wanna reiterate that for our listeners. When you take that moment to pause is what I'm hearing, and actually not identify as your whole self being.
That's what really not minimizes it in a way of, it's not relevant or it's not like you explained so beautifully. It's not that it's not a true emotion that you're feeling, but suddenly we're able to take that step back and go, there's that sigh of relief. It's like, and that's why I say to people, I don't, [00:13:00] I get anxious.
I do as a human being. I never identified with having anxiety because I could recognize. Like it didn't hit me till my well and truly adult years. And I understand it's a very different journey for everyone, but I was able to, at that point in my life, when I realized what anxiety was, I was like, oh, I'm not gonna put myself in this box or put this label on me.
I'm gonna realize that there are moments in time that I have this part that becomes anxious. And then I sit with her and I talk with her and I go, okay, what is it that we're anxious about? And so not identifying with. The emotion so much, and even to your point around the anger, you see this all the time across the board, but particularly with women, there's almost a level of shame that can come with the anger or the fact that, like you said, even in your child, you've never had the opportunity to fully express it.
And so when that happens, I'm curious if you can talk to this to us a little bit more about this. You mentioned the word firefighter and it piqued my interest. The [00:14:00] part of us that's, that firefighter that comes online is part of that, the result of we don't know how to manage your self regulator, our nervous system kind of feels like, ah, in the air.
And there's the part that's like, I wanna be angry. I dunno how to be angry. So we suppress, we suppress separate suppress, and then we react. And this is what I find I deal with and I'm sure you know, we all deal with, especially people when you've got high pressure roles or even just honestly operating as a human nowadays, there's so much stress.
And if we dunno how to control the emotion, whether it's anger, whether it's sadness, whether it's anxiety, it can rear its head in a really ugly, reactive way, and then we can almost feel even worse about ourselves. So can you talk a little bit about what it means, like this firefighter part? 'cause I'm curious if I'm understanding you correctly.
Jo Green: Yeah, sure. So yeah, the firefighter part is very it's kind of when all else fails, it's kind of that it comes up to. It is trying to stop the system being [00:15:00] flooded by an emotion. So it comes up and it's often very defensive, it's very reactive. It's that part of you that will let that anger out and get exploded.
And then, yeah, so there's all different types of ways in which it can react, but, and to your point before about the anxiety not becoming something you identify with, that is to me absolutely key because. This is what you hear all the time, right. My anxiety, I have anxiety and I get it. That's how, and, and, but it's pathologized a lot.
You know, you go to the doctors and you're put on medication and I think one thing we really need to address is that anxiety is an emotion. You know, anxiety is not a diagnosis. And I don't say that to in, to invalidate at all. I know that anxiety shows up for some people all the time, and there's a reason for that.
And so again, if we can get curious with that part of you anxiety's message is normally danger, you are not safe, right? But [00:16:00] most of the time we are safe. The only thing that's making us feel unsafe is the stories that we are telling ourselves in our mind. So to what you said before, I think was beautiful about anxiety is something I experience some of the time.
And if it's something I experience in a lot of the time, then I wanna get curious with that. And we all have times, like I'm sure all of us here have times when we feel more anxious. Than others. Right. And I had, my little anxious part was probably they're bubbling away the system before I came on today, you know, because it's kind of like talking, so we all have it.
Anxiety is an emotion that every single person on this planet experiences, and I think the more we label and pathologize it, we are doing it a real disservice. We need to understand why it's showing up. And yet to your 0.1 regards to the firefighters. Anxiety tends to be more of a manager part. It kind of comes in trying to keep you, you know, stop you from doing things that it doesn't want it to do.
You know, when we [00:17:00] avoid. When we feel anxious, immediately we feel better. Right? I don't have to do it. And then what we're actually doing in that moment, yeah, what we're actually doing in that moment is we are training our mind to be more anxious next time. 'cause if we avoided it, then it must be scary, right?
So if we don't do something, if we avoid the next time we come to try and do it, it's gonna be even harder. So it we're actually training our mind to be more and more scared of something and make it less likely that we are gonna go towards it. And working with, one of the beautiful clients I've worked with.
I mean, several clients I've worked with have been diagnosed and been on some pretty hefty medication for quite a number of years. And it always amazes me that when we talk about these things, that it's not necessarily something that's ever been discussed with them in the past. Talking to someone a couple of days ago, they've been put on medication recently and weren't even offered any sort of therapy or counseling or any support at all, and.
I'm not saying [00:18:00] this to wanna shame anyone who's out there doing any doctors or anything either. I think again, we need to be curious as to why is this happening? Why are we getting to a point where more and more people are being medicated rather than actually understanding themselves? So probably the, the crux of my work is to reconnecting people back to who they are rather than who they have learned they need to be.
Christa Elza: Yeah, that's a really good point. I think this, you know, this kind of technique, I love it because my whole practice is really based on like root cause, like what's actually driving whatever physical problem that we're having. And oftentimes there's a mental aspect to our physical manifestations of things as well.
But I take the same approach with this is of like really getting in tune and feeling that separation between, I'm experiencing depression right now, so being quiet with it. Where do I feel that in my body? Because I can kind of help you feel that separation, right? And then literally having a conversation then [00:19:00] with the actual emotion, like, let the emotion say something to you.
Because I, I find, I use this for myself too. It's, it, it says things that maybe you didn't even know. Like, well, I'm sad about this and I'm sad about that and I'm sad about this and I'm sad about that. And like all these things, you're like, oh my gosh, there's quite a few things that this version of me is kind of sad about.
And so. Instead of suppressing it. I always use this analogy too, like a toddler that you just, you're having a conversation with another adult and you don't want to address the toddler that's crying and screaming on the floor. Oftentimes the toddler will calm down if you'll just sit down. What do you actually need?
Let's solve this problem and then off she goes. Right? With, we do that with our own emotions. We can often move through whatever state that we seem to be really aggravated, that we're experiencing much quicker. Would you agree?
Jo Green: Yeah, absolutely. I think this, this is the thing. It's about going towards it and when people first start doing this, they try to think the answer and even their language gives it away.
I'll ask them a question, I'll say, I [00:20:00] think, and as soon as I hear that, that's like they're, they're trying to use their, the cognitive brain to, to tell them the answer rather than allowing things to pop up. So this is where our subconscious has all those answers, right? So there's a, this is where. I do hypnotherapy as well, and so there's that crossover between the two.
For me it's about listening in. I have a morning practice where I sit down, I do some breath work, I do some meditation, and I check in with my parts, like what parts are there. And to your point, Krista, it's a very somatic experience. IFS it's about noticing where in our body we are in or around our body that we are feeling those parts.
And when we connect to them often, sometimes there's, that part's been so ready and emotion will come up. Often when we do this work, there's a lot of emotion that's been stored in the body, and sometimes it can really take people by surprise. Myself, even I have IFS myself and my last session that I did something came up and I was like, wow.
I was just like sat there and there was a lot of emotion. I was like, wow, I didn't have any clue that that was there. [00:21:00] But when we start to build that relationship with ourself inside that we are okay, we can welcome those emotions, we can sit alongside that emotion, that part of you that's holding that emotion.
It starts to change. This starts to, what we're effectively doing is building trust in self again, because when these protected parts came in and went into their extreme roles. There was, there was no sort of like self response because often we were very, very little and so there was no sort of, access to self in that moment.
And so they go into these protective roles, but what we're trying to do is to build connection back to self and bring those exile parts of us let them being seen, let them be heard, and then integrated back into the whole. Now our exiles are holding beliefs or burdens or emotion that they've been holding onto for so long that when they can release that, then the parts that we're protecting them can then go and do something more.
Helpful for the system. It's not about getting rid of a [00:22:00] part, it's about using most of the parts. When we say like, how do they feel about what they do? They're like, oh, I'm exhausted. You know, they're just like, they're so over it. So it is actually being, getting the system working more. And actually Dick Schwartz.
Who created it, who's a family therapist. Very much system theory based. So there is that whole in, whenever I say internal family systems, people hear the word family and go, oh, is it family therapy? And I'm like, no, it's your internal family. And it's quite, for me, it's quite nice. It's kind of like everything starts inside.
And it's very empowering because no one else needs to change. It's, you've got everything.
Sheree Beaumont: This work is so beautiful and. I love that you clarified the internal family systems 'cause that was something I was still kind of wrapping my head around a little bit. So it is that internal family and when I've used parts work before.
And I'd love for you to, you know, dive into deep, like deeper into this. 'cause I know this is ultimately your wheelhouse. It's been labeling those [00:23:00] parts and I wanna use an example that I know is really quite prominent in our listeners is. Something like, so simple as procrastination, right? Like, why we aren't doing the thing that we wanna do, why we aren't.
Jo Green: Mm-hmm.
Sheree Beaumont: Taking action on it. And so, you know, when we sit down and I know that I've done this from like a personal level and I've labeled the part and there's the part of me that goes, that's protecting. It's like you burnt yourself out so many times. You're always on, you're always trying to do more. Go, go, go.
So there's this protector part, like I would label that as my protector, right? And then there's this other part that's like, but I love you and I'm, you're so ambitious and I see that, you know, you want more. And so there's this internal war of like, I'm not doing the thing because I'm so scared to do the thing because I protecting my energy.
But there's the other part that's going, go get it. You're a gogetter. I love you. I support you a hundred percent. And to your point about curiosity. When we don't judge either of [00:24:00] those parts and we give those parts a chance to speak, there's often an overlap. They both want the same thing, if I'm understanding correctly, right?
Like they both want me to succeed. One's doing it from an energy conservation perspective, the other's doing it from a motivation and it's trying to push, and that's what creates that internal war. So when we think about integrating the parts or having these like types of conversations, like what does that.
I know I gave like a little bit of an example, but from a deeper level, what's really going on there?
Jo Green: Yeah. I mean, and it'll be different with everybody and so often. I have to be aware that I'm not making assumptions 'cause it's not for me to know it's your system or whoever I'm working with. What you're describing there is what we call polarized parts.
So parts of us that want opposite what appears to be opposite things. And to your point, yes, it's nearly always the case that they're effectively wanting the same thing, but they're coming at it from two very [00:25:00] different angles. And often one of the first things we do when we connect to a part with Internal Family Systems is one of the questions I will ask is, how do you feel towards that part?
And often it's like, oh my God, I'm just so annoyed. I would just wish it would go away. I've had enough of it. And that's another part, right? So that's them trying to connect to that part from another part. And so it's always. Really important that we can find some qualities of self in order to connect to this first part that we want to.
Sometimes when those two Polaroid parts are there, the part that is so annoyed with that other part. It is kind of feels like it's in the way. So we have a bit of a saying that's like, what's in the way is the way. So if that part isn't gonna move out of the way, then that's the part that we get curious with first.
But whenever we connect to a part, we wanna do it from, we wanna see that there's a sense of openness, so like what we are looking for. One of the qualities of C and maybe like the curiosity is often. [00:26:00] One of the first ones that we can find. Compassion sometimes is quite a bit further back. That feels a bit harder to get to, but I can be curious.
And so if I ask how you feel towards it and they're like, oh, I'm so annoyed. This is just stopping me, it's getting in the way, I'll say. I hear that part. It makes absolute sense that you, that you feel that way because you're trying to achieve this thing and it feels like this part's getting in the way and yet we know this part has a positive intention.
So could that frustrated, annoyed part possibly just step back for a second and just give us a chance to get to know this part and it's amazing 'cause it sounds really weird and when you're just talking to it and if you haven't experienced it before, it can sound a bit like. And how does that happen?
Like how does that feel inside? And it's amazing the amount of times they go, yeah, okay. And I'll go, so how are you feeling towards it now? And they're like, I'm just really curious. And it's amazing that it can happen like that. And as I say, and if it doesn't, then we get curious of the part that won't step out of the [00:27:00] way.
So, yes. And, IFS goes a little bit deeper. Those two parts that you're talking about before and then supporting each other? Yes, absolutely. IFS would say that those parts are protecting something underneath them. And so that is what we call the exile. This is the part of them that these parts are doing what they're doing because they don't want that part to come out, don't want that part to be seen because they've, at some point in the past learned that, that it was not safe.
So to give you an example I've had a part recently that came out that. Didn't think emotion felt that she had to live in like a, between bands of emotion, like nothing too much. 'cause like joy was too silly, too much and nothing too low. Like nothing too sad. Or because that, because you are working, you are potentially around people that.
Don't themselves be able, can't able to deal with their emotions. So it's kind of like, just live in this little gap in the middle. That's not too much and it's not too low. And so this [00:28:00] part was like really worried about like showing any emotion. So it was always trying to sort of live between these lines, so to speak.
And some people really see the parts like really visually. And sometimes when I just go to my kids, they'll think, they think I'm on psychedelics or something. Yeah. Had a part that ca you know, had a part that looked like cross between SpongeBob, squarepants and a Christmas tree. It just, and some people aren't like visual, they don't see it, they sense it more.
And so everyone has different experience of it. IFS is actually the number one therapy as well to use with psychedelics in those places. That is where we have got psychedelics approved therapies. But yeah, it's about understanding both those parts and if those parts are arguing, they're both.
They could both be protecting the same part. They could be protecting other parts. But once we really get to know those protector parts, often what happens is we then start to sense a lot of emotion coming up from underneath, and that's what we call the [00:29:00] exile energy. And we would never go towards that part without full agreement of the protected parts because that can cause a bit of a backlash.
But often what happens is once we do that protected part is like, oh my goodness. And we can what we call update. I mentioned at the beginning that those protector parts often think that we are very young. So we're like, does that partner who you are? And so, and I always say to someone, it might sound like a strange question, but does this partner who you are?
And they'll go, oh my God, I, no, they don't. And like again, afterwards we talk about it and they're like, I have no idea how I know, like how that stuff, but I just knew. And we'll update them and I'll say, how does it know how old you are? And often they'll like, no, I'm getting the age of like eight or five, or whatever it might be.
And so I'll say, can that, can you update that part however feels right for you? Get the part to look at, you show the parts and memories. And then what they're, that part realizes is they're not protecting a young [00:30:00] one that actually maybe. This adult is able to look, and that's sometimes when it'll step aside and we can effectively work with the Excel.
I'm very aware that it can all sound very random when I'm talking to it. It's, I haven't yet found a client who doesn't like it, who hasn't worked for them on some level. When and to Krista's point right at the beginning when they're ready.
Christa Elza: Yeah, I have had experiences with this practice and I find it really, really powerful and I experienced the same thing.
I don't know how you know, but when you're in conversation, a younger part of me actually was in my home where I lived five. I was five, and I had more vivid all of a sudden views of my bedroom. What it looked outside of my window. The warmth of the sun coming in through the window and I was able to have a conversation with this part of me.
It was very crazy, but like it was, she was there and when I asked like, how old are you? Or How old [00:31:00] are, do you, how old do you think I am? No idea. We're little still. And so that was really an interesting like, no actually. We're not, but parts of ourselves. And I know that it can be very strange unless you've experienced this, but I often use this too, like people who have multiple personality disorder is just an exacerbation of all of these parts coming out.
So oftentimes if you take a psych class in college or whatever, you'll be like, oh my God, I have this and I have that, and I have that. Yeah. We all have a little bit. It's a disorder when it becomes very like elaborated. And that's where a psych, you know, DSM. You know, diagnosis comes out right when some, some dysfunction becomes overrun in, in your mind.
But we all have a little bit of the depression, a little bit of the anxiety. It comes and it goes and the multiple personality is really just what's on the inside, just coming out. And oftentimes it's probably the angry parts of us, but, but that is what we all have on a. On a [00:32:00] working scale, right?
We're all working in, we're all, we're able to like function in society, but we have these different parts, they just don't spew out. So when you're quiet with it and you're especially working with a provider that can kind of help guide and have this conversation and you have to kind of be ready for it, it is really, really insightful.
When you mentioned the different, like looks of them and, and what have you, I haven't experienced that visual. The visually I can imagine like. The child version of me is actually talking to me, and I'm usually in a place that I recognize. But I have drawn out, so like in grief, you can, like, I literally drew a table and I drew the different parts of grief because grief is very, very complex.
It's not just, I'm sad, it's, I'm angry, I'm sad, I am longing, so, you can name all those different parts. And I actually drew and it just came to me how each one would look. They all look non-human. They're just kind of what my brain is making up in that moment. Or different versions of me that I'm [00:33:00] ashamed of, my shameful self, my happy self, my compassionate self, like even drawing those that usually come at a non-human form.
But then when you name them and you look at them all, you see them all at the same table. And it can be helpful too to kind of be like, these are, this is all of me and maybe I wanna converse with one part of that. It can sound confusing and it can sound totally wacky, but when you're doing it, you're like, wow, I feel like I'm healing all of this, and I completely feel better.
I'm feeling more whole and more in charge of my life.
Jo Green: Yeah, I think to your point about multiple personality disorder, which is often what comes to mind, they're like, oh my god, you know, if I got the but Dick Short would say that's the extreme end of this. Like, you know, basically we all have all these parts inside of us.
And some other things have happened. And yes, to your point, it's very, very extreme as a lot of these things can get to. But yeah, I think you're right. And to your point about grief, yeah, there's, there are gonna be lots of parts [00:34:00] involved in grief. And also one point to that's worth mentioning as well is that.
Parts aren't just one emotion. Parts can hold multiple emotions. It's not just, oh, there's that anxious part and there's the sad part. That might be their overriding emotion that they're holding, but they have, they hold beliefs, they have all that, they're like little people effectively. They hold a lot of things there.
And I always find it amazing that when I connect inwards, it's a physical sensation normally that I can sense whether it's inside of me or sometimes it's a part like here or, or around me, but I can instinctively know what it is. And so sometimes when I'm doing that daily practice of looking inwards.
I don't sense necessarily the part straight away, I can sense a physical sensation. So when I sit with that physical sensation, that's when I start to notice a part and I'll notice thoughts coming up and so we start to get to understand that part. When you start to practice this regularly, what it does is [00:35:00] that you kind of notice that the parts are happy for you to take the lead, and so.
We all have some parts that it goes deeper and deeper and deeper. It's like, I'm sure you will, you know, when you're working with someone, there's always another layer. It's like an onion. You think you've dealt with it and then it comes up again and you're like, oh my God. And a lot of the work that we do is in what we call the protective system.
So, you know, some people, when they've read about it, they want to, they wanna go deep. They wanna go and find these xls and. That is a part. If the, you know, that if apart have agendas, self has an intention. So self wants to heal, but it has zero like timeline or anything on it.
Whereas if there's a part that's like, oh, I really need to find this then it's kind of, that's a part, that's a part that's looking for that. So it does feel like. And I have this conversation with clients, sometimes it can feel like there's a lot of parts. But actually instead of seeing it as, oh my God, there's another [00:36:00] part, and oh my God, there's another part.
It's like, it's just getting to understand yourself more. There's no timeline on this. One really important thing is that we only go as fast as your system is able to go at. And so we are not gonna force anything. There's no, like, you have to do it by this point. It's that. A journey of just reconnecting inwards and it starts to completely change everything in IFS, we call a trigger a trailhead, which I absolutely love.
You know, it's something that's pointing the direction into if you follow it, there's more freedom there, more connection.
Sheree Beaumont: , We, when we were trained, did a little bit of this kind of work and it was, your triggers are your treasures. So, you know, it's really changing that perspective and changing that mindset around, you know, labeling it of these parts as bad, or, to your point about.
We quite often always unpacking the layers or always pulling another layer off the onion, and sometimes it can feel exhausting and we've spent a lot of time beautifully, and you've [00:37:00] expressed so beautifully about what parts are and what they look like. And you just touched on before, and it reminded me to come back to that question I had right at the beginning for you, which is around the self part.
Because I think when we're on this journey, when we're doing the inner work, sometimes we can get buried in the healing. And we can wonder if we're ever gonna get to the bulb of the onion, like, hello, how many of these freaking parts do I have to go through before I'm technically healed? And it's my belief that, you know, we're, we are healing as we go, and there's always gonna be new layers in that, but it doesn't ever mean that you're not healed, like is you're never actually broken.
So that's a, that's a core belief of mine that I hold. But I'm curious if you can kind of elaborate on. How we can embody the self part. Right? Obviously a huge part of that is doing this part's work, but what does it look like? How can we start to know if we're showing up from, and correct me if I'm not using the term self right, but from the more integrated self, the one that's more [00:38:00] loving and accepting of all of the parts of us.
Like we're not, are we showing up less reactive, are we, like how does this kind of present ourselves? It presents, sorry, in our real life and. And what does that self really look like?
Jo Green: Yeah, great question. So, to your point, first of all, that I totally agree that no one is broken. It's more you're disconnected than anything and or you're stuck in patterns of thoughts or behavior that really aren't helping you.
So that self, often you'll hear people talk about how we live from fear. Right? You know, it's kind of like decisions are being driven by fear. Very part led self feels completely different. So those eight C qualities that I described at the beginning, that's what you're starting to notice. That those qualities are there more regularly.
And for me, as I said before, curiosity is everything. Because curiosity stops us having the blinkers on. It starts us looking for those nuances, looking for the different things. We know that our mind [00:39:00] shows us more of what we focus on, right? So when we start to be curious, we're starting to notice, we are trying to say, show me different things.
So we start to notice more. But also we have more presence. We're able to be more present, to be able to find stillness. It's not. Self isn't a part. Self is like the core of who we are. It's like, I always say that if when we're self-led, it's almost like we are coming from, you're doing stuff from a sense of being you know, we are human beings after all.
But I think we've all stuck into the human doing part of it. And when we are doing, doing, doing, doing, doing. But it's coming from a sense of part led. It's very, there's no being underneath it practically. The thing I would say is looking for those eight Cs, looking for a sense of presence, a sense of openness, and you will all have moments when you're very when you're in more self, right?
So it could be a moment when you're having a conversation with a loved one and you're just so present. [00:40:00] You know, time just flies by and you don't even notice it. It could be a moment when you when if people meditate often you'll find a, a sense of self. Then if you just have even just a moment. Of when you feel that bit sense of calm coming in.
So for me, it's kind of starting to look for those times, those environments, those people, when you feel in that sense of groundedness, that openness, that presence, that curiosity. Before, actually, before I even found IFS, I used to talk about. Are you coming from fear or love? Like what is the energy driving you?
And for me it's like fear is parts led and love is self-led. And often. It is probably rarely a time when it's pure self for any length of time. Right? Because like to your point before, Sheri, this world is a lot to live in, right? So it's actually more about where are those moments of self? And one of the most important things for anyone, like for [00:41:00] myself, for as in I first, where.
As a therapist or a practitioner, but we are the facilitator. We are not the healer. That's one of the most important things of the IFS model is that the client that you are your own healer, you know, that self is the inner healer, the inner guy, the inner wisdom. We are purely there to facilitate it and to start off with, we provide the self energy.
Right. We provide the, that's why it's really important for me this is one thing I also work with, is that anyone out doing this work has to be doing their own work. Because if you are not doing your own work, how can you hold that space? So for me, I actually do work with counselors and therapists and coaches to help them do their own inner work so that they can hold that space from that.
Self because as you'll all know, when you're working with clients, parts get triggered. That's just who we are, you know? And actually when we can then go, okay, that's something for me to work with. And then, but we [00:42:00] need to be able to come back to that self space for us to hold that space for healing in the first instance.
And then we start to build up that part to self relationship in the client as well, so that they can then start doing this more outside of the of the client room.
Christa Elza: I think another way to recognize yourself versus your not self, like the part would be the observer. So the more you just sit back, and that's kind of the point of meditation, right?
Is just kind of observe and it's the observer. So when you think about, okay, I am feeling angry at that person, or when you're driving down the street and you're saying all these things in your head like, oh, that dog is ugly, or I wish this person would drive faster. That's not you. That's another, that's a part of you speaking, right?
And our minds are constantly saying something. So it's the part that's hearing the things that are happening in our mind that is self. So that's kind of a way to detach and say, okay, who's the, what's the version of me that's just sitting back observing all of the swirl [00:43:00] In my mind that self and self is always okay.
Self is just observing. Self is like, Hmm, okay. Oh, okay. Right. Like our essence is always comfortable, safe, confident, all the characteristics that you said, the Cs. But that's a way that I kind of separate too of like, oh, the me who I am is observing all of these little things going on in my head. 'cause we have a bazillion thoughts are like digestion.
It's just happening constantly without us having any kind of control over it. So the part that's hearing the conversation in your head is, is the stuff, it's your observer, right? Kind of an easy way to, 'cause we can all recognize that. Like, okay, yeah, there's things going on in my head, but somebody's listening to that.
And that's yourself. Yeah.
Jo Green: Yeah, totally. And self can be okay with anything. And self is, everyone has a self. This is one thing that was really important that no matter what someone has been through self, can't be damaged, can't be harmed. What happens is the layers of protection come on more and more.
And so there [00:44:00] isn't anyone in this world that doesn't have that self. It's about working with those parts that have almost effectively, it's almost like imagine. I sometimes think about it, you know, the princess and the P when they're the p and the mattress is like self's there. It's just all these layers of protectors on top of it.
And so it's working with those protectors, helping those protectors to feel safe enough to step back so that you can actually get back to that sense of self. And self tends to come in moments to start with. It's, it might just be a little bit of that moment. And so to your point, Kristy, yeah, that observer is always there.
It's just noticing that it's there and stepping out of these constant thoughts that we're, you know, we live in such, what we'd like to say is such a connected world now, but actually it's probably the most disconnected world we've ever lived in because of the fact that we we're, you know, connected through a screen, or we are, we are looking outwards all the time.
There's experts in everything nowadays. And. We [00:45:00] outsource everything. A, and you know, I know Sheri, you talk about this a lot, but actually it's about coming back to our own inner knowing. Like if something is not feeling right for you, then that's for you to go inwards. But it feels scary because the world we live in tells us the answers are out there.
But actually it's coming back to that and I think there's so many more and more people saying this now, that hopefully people start to realize that their power is inside of them. And I get that, that also feels, can feel scary and overwhelming. Like, oh no, I want someone else to be able to do all the work and fix it for me.
Right. I get that. And actually when you start to work yourself there, you start to realize that actually it's so empowering.
Sheree Beaumont: I love the point. S that you brought up around, like I was looking at it, bringing your power back, and I'm not sure that everyone always understands what I mean when I say that, but you articulated that so beautifully.
It is really that inner knowing. And to, to Krista's point, the observer, I always, I always felt like that was the [00:46:00] point in time where I knew that I was progressing, I suppose in the inner work when I was like, oh. I'm not just showing up as the reactive part, whatever that part was, and leading my life through this lens that was almost clouded.
I was actually able to pause and go, I can see myself reacting or performing or putting this show on, or showing up in this way, or being a light, like whatever that part was, was expressing in the world. And so. I think that was a really beautiful way. Like I always think about it as like almost like the person behind, like I'm like looking at myself in the moment and I think when you've got that level of self-awareness, it's a sign.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a sign that this work is really working. I have a question, more of a personal question, but I feel like it'll help our listeners. I've had moments where I'm like, I can see, I can see this part is being reactive. She's being reactive as. Anything. I don't wanna swear, but [00:47:00] she's been reactive af and I'm like, I'm witnessing it.
I'm witnessing it. I'm witnessing the part of me, I'm observing. I can't control that part. What can you, is there a like a fun little tool that you could maybe share with our listeners or something like if you are, you are visually like you're in the moment. 'cause we can't always stop and be like, oh sweetheart, I hear you.
Or, Hey look, I've got time to do the parts where. But we can see that we are being reactive. A part of us is being activated that we don't maybe wanna be operating from. How can we kind of shift that when we are very present to witnessing it, but we feel like it's out of our control?
Jo Green: Yeah, to your point, when you said before about being the observer, even that terminology, starting to use terminology, a part of me is feeling that you're not being the part.
If you are noticing the part, you're not being the part so. Straight away. There's qualities of self there and yes, I totally get [00:48:00] it. What you're saying there, yes, we don't always have that ability. What I would say is in the moment, just even noticing it, like what we term in I would be that if you can't step out of that part, you are what we call, we are, you are blended, right.
There's two things I would say if you can't unblend from that part if you can notice it, there's this tiny like window there, there's that tiny bit that that self, it might even be just to know I need to walk away right in that moment. I need to walk away. Or it could just be even just go in, I totally get it.
Get why you're feeling that, you know that person's being a right. Sort of like take a breath. It's almost like you are collaborating with your part a little bit in that, but you're letting that part be seen and know that you're not telling that part that they're wrong, that they shouldn't be feeling that way, because that would be another part that's saying that.
Right. Whereas I feel that itself would go, yeah, I get it. Totally get it. Like, take a breath. It's not [00:49:00] worth it, you know? And the more you kind of like look inwards and know these parts, the more you can in that moment instantly give them that what they need just to be able to go. Okay. I feel seen, you know, it's kind of like if you're with someone, you might be giving them like the sort of like eye roll, the sideline eye and you and somebody's there going, yeah, I totally get it, you know?
But if you are there by yourself often it's harder. So it can be you that just goes, yeah, totally get it. Don't worry, it's all good. Take a breath. And then that's like pointing you in direction for a little bit more work afterwards.
Christa Elza: Yeah. Like I, I agree to let go of an emotion, especially when you're really angry or you're really annoyed or you're really fired up about something, can seem really, really challenging.
The challenge is to let it go. 'cause the longer we indulge in it, the more it becomes our self gets kind of lost and we're just now fully functioning out of just ego and that part of like, I'm just so mad, you know, like it's just [00:50:00] coming out or super frustrated, or I'm super whatever it is, super sad about blah, blah, blah.
Yeah. I think, and like you said, it's kind of a practice, right? Like checking in daily. Because if we're doing that daily, then when those moments of like intense. Emotion pop up. We know quicker how to at least separate what we're experiencing versus ourself and quicker to be like, okay, I get it. Like it's totally fine.
I get it. You're sad because you love them. You're sad or you're angry because you really care about this situation and it's totally okay to feel that way. And immediately then an emotion tends to like, feel seen and heard and, and kind of relax versus like constantly fighting to be right. I mean. You just keep fighting for what you wanna prove until, but like you said, show up for yourself and that part can kind of, relieve it and then you don't feel so uncomfortable.
And that I think is where you say bring your power back. I mean, that really is genuinely empowerment. To be self [00:51:00] soothing, to be emotionally intelligent, where you know how to solve this within yourself. Nothing has to be different to feel Okay. And that is a very hard concept to get unless you're doing the work that everything around you, death, fear, anger, all of those things, you'll be okay like you are.
Okay. And that can be hard, and I think it is a daily practice so that when the real tests of life come up. You already know, like that's not the time to be doing the work. The work is like in the every morning, checking in with yourself or as small little things arise. Know how to practice and play with this skill so that you understand how to do it when the big things pop up.
I love this work. I mean, I, I could sit here and talk about it all day. I think it's so fascinating because it really is root cause to solving real emotional struggle, real emotional suffering. We don't have to live that way. And I think most people just aren't aware of the insanely powerful tool that we have within [00:52:00] ourselves.
We just need guidance. How do you work with people? I'd like to be able to put that in the show notes, like, do you work virtually with people? Is it one-on-one? Like how do you work with people?
Jo Green: Yeah. So I do clients in locally here in Auckland. But also I have clients online. I work with clients in various different pla places in the world, to be honest.
I do one-on-one stuff. I do workshops. I work as I say, with leaders, whether that be work with leaders in education, but also in business. Yeah, I can do. That's the great thing with that is the one good thing about the way we work nowadays, the connectivity with, I can work with people in all sorts of different places, which I know you both do as well.
So yeah. If somebody's looking to understand themselves more, then this is a really, really great place to start. And as I said to you, not everyone I work with comes that place of. I wanna connect back to myself that level of awareness. You know, some people that I'm really struggling with this, I dunno what to do.
So, if, I suppose if somebody, if it piques their [00:53:00] interest then yeah, it's a great place to start with. And even a really great thing for people to take away from this is just to start to use that language. A part of me, like a part of me is feeling. Part of me might be feeling anxious or a part of me might be feeling scared or whatever it might be, but just as soon as you notice that, that brings in elements of that self behind it.
Sheree Beaumont: Beautiful. Oh, thank you Joe, so much for your time. And we will pop away to connect with you into our show notes as well, your website and your IG and everything like that. All the good stuff. 'cause I know you get lots of value from everything you post as well. So it's really important that I think if you, if this has resonated with you, that you head on over and.
And give Joe a follow because she regularly talks about this over on her socials as well. So it's a beautiful thing that you're doing in the world, and I thank you for showing up and sharing your magic. So thank you for your time here today and thank you for doing the work that you do.
Speaker 2: If you love this episode, be sure to leave us a review, download, and [00:54:00] subscribe. If you know someone that could also benefit from this conversation, please share. That's how we Spread Empowered Health. We'll see you again for another episode of the Wild and Wild Collective.
